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'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.'

The priest asks, 'Is that you, Joe?' 'Yes, Father' 'Who's the gal you were with?' 'I won't tell, I don't want to ruin her reputation.' 'Was it Jane marlow?' 'I can't say.' 'Was it Tami Jones?' 'I'll never tell.' 'Kim Dixon or Kate James?' 'My lips are sealed.

The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy for a month.'

Joe walks back to his pew, and his friend Jordan whispers, 'What'd you get?' 'A month's vacation and four excellent Leads.'

They’ve been friends for a long time. One day the chicken wakes up to this screaming and runs out of the farmer's house only to find the horse in a pit of mud sinking. Chicken says, “Holy shit, how the fuck did you end up in here?”

The horse explains, “I’m eating a little food, a little hay, and next thing you know I’m sinking in the mud.”

So what happens? The chicken runs over to the farmer's house and gets the farmers BMW. Now it’s an 850, all black, waxed to perfection, all leather interior – it’s fucking gorgeous. Hops in it, drives back over, ties a rope to the car and pulls his friend to safety.

The horse is grateful and says, “Anytime you need me, I’ll be there."

So what happens? About a week later, same thing, only this time it’s the chicken sinking in a pit of mud. The horse gallops over, sees his pal sinking in the mud, takes off to the farmer’s house, but he can’t drive the BMW. He runs back over, whips out his dick and the chicken climbs to safety.

Moral of the story – if you're hung like a horse, you don’t need a BMW to pick up chicks!

A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, "Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later..

The nun agreed...

A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier?"

The nun replied, "He went that way."

After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, "I can't thank you enough, sister. You see, I don't want to go to Iraq."

The nun said, "I understand completely."

The soldier added, "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!"

The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls... I don't want to go to Iraq either...

He tells the bartender, “zzzz...I’m a cat...zzzz...I’m a cat”.

The bartender says, “Yes sir, you are.”

After The sleepwalking dog leaves, a patron asks, “Why did you agree with him? That dog is not a cat!”

The bartender replies, “Sometimes you gotta let sleeping dogs lie.”

California had the first pick.

(joke is outdated by a few decades)

First, i find out I'm adopted, and then I find out that both of my dads are gay!

I feel like my whole world is caving in on me...

He said, "Depends."

I told her, “No, I have Stranger Things to watch.”

A cup of Joe.

Shoe polish, you fucking racist.

Getting rear-ended by the Oscar Mayer Weinermobile.

Because cannibalism is forbidden in the torah.